Now, unless you are old school royalty and have an arranged marriage you are at one point going to need to know how to pick up a member of the opposite sex. Now because it is mostly men trying to pick up chicks and not the other way around we are going to help guys with how to pick up some sweet dime pieces. Just because we post these does not mean that they are field tested or that we approve, or condone any of them.
Step one: Now, chicks no matter what they say are very superficial when it comes to guys, at least some of the time. So this means it is all about looking your best, and the only thing better than one popped collar is multiple popped collars. Now one might think this could be over kill, but layered collars scream class and the ladies love it.
Step two: A sweet haircut is a must, and who doesn't like lax bro flow? Self respecting young women thats who. To get tricks you need a short tight haircut with a super nice edge up. Lets be real with ourselves, edge ups drive the ladies wild. Now you need to pair this righteous hair with the thinnest chin strap you can get, because girls love tough guys and tough guys rock chin straps.
Step three: Now, there needs to be a sweet conversation if you have any shot. The topic? The topic needs to be about how awesome you are at sports. Include in this how you have always been a starter in every game you ever played, and you tell the coach when you come out not the other way around. This needs not be a conversation so much as you bragging about how awesome you are at every and any sport, and how you could beat any dude in the place at anything.
Step four: You need to look like a better catch than any of the cool cats you are with. Therefor, you need to talk mad crap about all of your friends so that you look better than everyone else, and nothing is off limits. You need to bring up every embarrassing story and moment you know about everyone so that you look like a total boss.
Step five: When all else fails, Chloroform and roofies.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
How to be a hard ass
Now some people in the world are natural tough guys. These guys are pure brutal. However, there is a type of person above tough guy, this man is termed a hard ass. Now there are many imposters to the hard ass ranks and picking out the true hard asses can be a near impossible task for the untrained man. Here is a list of clues that will help distinguish a true hard ass from a mere imposter.
Clue one: When you know, because you have thought about it at great depth, that you can beat the crap out of everyone of your wimp friends. Lets get serious, how many of them devote half the time you do to the gym and that old school punching bag hanging from the rafters in your basement.
Clue two: You know exactly how many push ups and sit ups you can do not to mention pull ups. Lets face it, a man is only as good as how many push ups sit ups or pull ups he can do, and you like to challenge everyone you know to see who really is the hard ass.
Clue three: Now everyone knows when it gets sunny it's time to break out the sunglasses, because lets face no one likes sun in their eyes. But what truly sets the hard ass apart is when he walks into a building or when the sun goes down on the rest of the world. This is because even when the sun goes down on the rest of the world or when a hard ass goes indoors, the sun never sets on a true hard ass.
Clue three: You might not be the best a particlular activity, hell you might not even be good at all. However this does not mean you don't talk the best smack out of everyone. You will say what ever it takes so that everyone involved knows that you are legit a hard ass and are not taking shit from anyone especially not any of these pukes you are with right now.
Clue four: Now the attitude it takes to be a true hard ass is a very key piece. It has its roots in knowing that you are better than everyone else but it is more than just being better. You have to know that you can physically kick the crap out of anyone who will ever step in front of you. And when someone does, oh my bad news for them and you know it even if anyone else doesn't.
Clue five: Now it takes way more than just that hard ass swag and sunglasses to really be a hard ass. The wardrobe is where a true hard ass takes flight and leaves the dusters behind. A true hard ass must be rocking that flat brimmed snap back hat, they just simply scream hard ass. As for the rest of the wardrobe it isn't so much what you wear but how you rock what you're wearing. As long as when you rock it you go hard you can reach hard ass status.
Clue one: When you know, because you have thought about it at great depth, that you can beat the crap out of everyone of your wimp friends. Lets get serious, how many of them devote half the time you do to the gym and that old school punching bag hanging from the rafters in your basement.
Clue two: You know exactly how many push ups and sit ups you can do not to mention pull ups. Lets face it, a man is only as good as how many push ups sit ups or pull ups he can do, and you like to challenge everyone you know to see who really is the hard ass.
Clue three: Now everyone knows when it gets sunny it's time to break out the sunglasses, because lets face no one likes sun in their eyes. But what truly sets the hard ass apart is when he walks into a building or when the sun goes down on the rest of the world. This is because even when the sun goes down on the rest of the world or when a hard ass goes indoors, the sun never sets on a true hard ass.
Clue three: You might not be the best a particlular activity, hell you might not even be good at all. However this does not mean you don't talk the best smack out of everyone. You will say what ever it takes so that everyone involved knows that you are legit a hard ass and are not taking shit from anyone especially not any of these pukes you are with right now.
Clue four: Now the attitude it takes to be a true hard ass is a very key piece. It has its roots in knowing that you are better than everyone else but it is more than just being better. You have to know that you can physically kick the crap out of anyone who will ever step in front of you. And when someone does, oh my bad news for them and you know it even if anyone else doesn't.
Clue five: Now it takes way more than just that hard ass swag and sunglasses to really be a hard ass. The wardrobe is where a true hard ass takes flight and leaves the dusters behind. A true hard ass must be rocking that flat brimmed snap back hat, they just simply scream hard ass. As for the rest of the wardrobe it isn't so much what you wear but how you rock what you're wearing. As long as when you rock it you go hard you can reach hard ass status.
Monday, May 9, 2011
How you know you go to real college
Now, most everyone who attends a four year institution after high school thinks that they attend a real college. However, this is possibly the most made mistake among college aged kids. Certain institutions posses attributes which qualify those schools as real colleges other schools, not so much.
Attribute One: When you school has less students than your high school or even close to the same amount of students, you do not go to real college. You go to summer camp.
Attribute Two: When the weekend is limited to solely Saturdays after 8 pm because drinking more than one night in a week is frowned upon by the majority of the student population. Lets face it Thursdays are not thirsty Thursdays, they are solely reserved to finish your homework that is due two weeks from now. Fridays, are not for going out. Fridays are for going to bed and getting a good nights sleep, because tomorrow is Saturday and you have to go to that raging party that will inevitably get cancelled because one kid went home and now there is absolutely nowhere to go. This is not real college.
Attribute Three: When you are chillin with your boys and can only think of two hot girls, but fight with each other because you know there has to be at least three. Then after much deliberation you come to a consensus that yes there is a third but filling out a top ten is going to be impossible. This is not real college.
Attribute Four: When the starters on your sports team are there because they have been they for four years, aka "did their time", and their parents make a few well placed calls to the athletic director who consequently tells the coaches who plays and who doesn't, based on how much their parents "help" the program. Also along with this, when the only normal kids at your school are the athletes, who aren't entirely normal themselves, it is not a real college.
Attribute Five: When the best weekends at school revolve around traditions that have far lost their acceptance in society, such as a drag show where the costumes are nauseating at best, dance off between some of the most uncoordinated kids on campus, and the punishment for breaking a student made rule is to sing a song of the seniors choice. You do not attend a real college you go to the worst day care in America.
Attribute One: When you school has less students than your high school or even close to the same amount of students, you do not go to real college. You go to summer camp.
Attribute Two: When the weekend is limited to solely Saturdays after 8 pm because drinking more than one night in a week is frowned upon by the majority of the student population. Lets face it Thursdays are not thirsty Thursdays, they are solely reserved to finish your homework that is due two weeks from now. Fridays, are not for going out. Fridays are for going to bed and getting a good nights sleep, because tomorrow is Saturday and you have to go to that raging party that will inevitably get cancelled because one kid went home and now there is absolutely nowhere to go. This is not real college.
Attribute Three: When you are chillin with your boys and can only think of two hot girls, but fight with each other because you know there has to be at least three. Then after much deliberation you come to a consensus that yes there is a third but filling out a top ten is going to be impossible. This is not real college.
Attribute Four: When the starters on your sports team are there because they have been they for four years, aka "did their time", and their parents make a few well placed calls to the athletic director who consequently tells the coaches who plays and who doesn't, based on how much their parents "help" the program. Also along with this, when the only normal kids at your school are the athletes, who aren't entirely normal themselves, it is not a real college.
Attribute Five: When the best weekends at school revolve around traditions that have far lost their acceptance in society, such as a drag show where the costumes are nauseating at best, dance off between some of the most uncoordinated kids on campus, and the punishment for breaking a student made rule is to sing a song of the seniors choice. You do not attend a real college you go to the worst day care in America.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
How you know your better than everyone
There are a select few of us that just simply know that we are in fact better than everyone else. We have brought together our knowledge to form a list of signs so you can tell, and chances are you are, better than everyone else.
Sign One: When you take a shit and literally the bathroom does not stink, this is a key sign that you are better than everyone else. This cannot be confused with only a mild odor. A mild odor does not mean that you are better than anyone, it means you are the same as any other schmuck that walks the earth. there needs to be absolutely zero smell.
Sign Two: When you walk around in a sport coat and slacks when everyone else is wearing everyday clothes, ie. shorts and t-shirts, this is a sure sign that you are better than all of those people. Isn't it obvious that the more important people, even in the most laid back settings, always dress to impress. A key example is when you strut around in a pea coat when everyone else is rocking a hoodie, you are definitely better than all of those pee ons. I mean really come on everyone even a dull Monday morning is an opportunity to prove your superiority.
Sign Three: Now this is where it starts to get tricky. If your parents have a decent amount of money and you feel that because of this you could be an outcast from your peers you pretend to be poor, but really are part of an affluent family, well this makes you better than absolutely everyone. This is a hard concept to grasp, but I'll try to explain it. Now, when you are with your rich friends, naturally you are better than them because lets face you play the rich card and when it comes down to it the BMW mom and dad bought you is way better than the five year old Audi all of your friends got handed down to them by their parents, This just blatantly shows how much better you are. Where the pretending to be poor half comes in, is when you are hanging out with our group of friends who are purely middle class. Here, when you pretend to be poor everyone will sympathize for you at how hard your life must be, little do they know life is just the opposite, because of they struggle you have and triumph over on a daily basis. This sympathy they have will actually make them realize how much better than them you are because you rise above your (fake) situation.
Sign Four: You go out to eat with either a group of friends or coworkers, and you feel that throwing in an extra couple of dollars for the tip is beneath you, because lets face it, it is. Everyone else is throwing in a dollar that is going to a server, and that server really deserves a tip on top of their pay? Good thing you remembered that there is no way anyone deserves to make even close to your pay, after all you are better than everyone present in the restaurant.
Sign Five: Now we all know just anyone can get into and graduate from a public high school. But you, you went to a private college, you had to fight for every single grade, you had to work twice as hard as any public school scum bag. Now just going to private school isn't what made you better, I mean lets face you were born better and private school just fined tuned all your superior attributes.
Sign Six: Have you ever won an award in school, now I'm not just talking about high school or college. When it comes to awards we can go all the back to elementary school and bring up the trophy you won in second grade for learning your math facts firsts. Since we go all the way back to elementary school this means all middle school awards count also, now that coaches award you won in eighth grade football, that is a key factor to you being better than everyone, That award is something not everyone can achieve.
Sign One: When you take a shit and literally the bathroom does not stink, this is a key sign that you are better than everyone else. This cannot be confused with only a mild odor. A mild odor does not mean that you are better than anyone, it means you are the same as any other schmuck that walks the earth. there needs to be absolutely zero smell.
Sign Two: When you walk around in a sport coat and slacks when everyone else is wearing everyday clothes, ie. shorts and t-shirts, this is a sure sign that you are better than all of those people. Isn't it obvious that the more important people, even in the most laid back settings, always dress to impress. A key example is when you strut around in a pea coat when everyone else is rocking a hoodie, you are definitely better than all of those pee ons. I mean really come on everyone even a dull Monday morning is an opportunity to prove your superiority.
Sign Three: Now this is where it starts to get tricky. If your parents have a decent amount of money and you feel that because of this you could be an outcast from your peers you pretend to be poor, but really are part of an affluent family, well this makes you better than absolutely everyone. This is a hard concept to grasp, but I'll try to explain it. Now, when you are with your rich friends, naturally you are better than them because lets face you play the rich card and when it comes down to it the BMW mom and dad bought you is way better than the five year old Audi all of your friends got handed down to them by their parents, This just blatantly shows how much better you are. Where the pretending to be poor half comes in, is when you are hanging out with our group of friends who are purely middle class. Here, when you pretend to be poor everyone will sympathize for you at how hard your life must be, little do they know life is just the opposite, because of they struggle you have and triumph over on a daily basis. This sympathy they have will actually make them realize how much better than them you are because you rise above your (fake) situation.
Sign Four: You go out to eat with either a group of friends or coworkers, and you feel that throwing in an extra couple of dollars for the tip is beneath you, because lets face it, it is. Everyone else is throwing in a dollar that is going to a server, and that server really deserves a tip on top of their pay? Good thing you remembered that there is no way anyone deserves to make even close to your pay, after all you are better than everyone present in the restaurant.
Sign Five: Now we all know just anyone can get into and graduate from a public high school. But you, you went to a private college, you had to fight for every single grade, you had to work twice as hard as any public school scum bag. Now just going to private school isn't what made you better, I mean lets face you were born better and private school just fined tuned all your superior attributes.
Sign Six: Have you ever won an award in school, now I'm not just talking about high school or college. When it comes to awards we can go all the back to elementary school and bring up the trophy you won in second grade for learning your math facts firsts. Since we go all the way back to elementary school this means all middle school awards count also, now that coaches award you won in eighth grade football, that is a key factor to you being better than everyone, That award is something not everyone can achieve.
How to be a real athlete at college
Are you athletic? No? Doesn't matter it's college.
Step one, you need an awesome name so people will know who you are because let's face you are a big deal. Names can be chosen based on many different attributes. However, the more bad ass the name the better athlete you will be, this does have limits however. the name must at all times be reasonable, a totally fake name will leave you in the basement of the NEAC for life.
Step two, your hands need to be lethal weapons, every good athlete has his two best weapons at the end of his arms. One of the best but definitely hardest way to do this is to go to an MMA summer camp, and then swear you are the toughest kid at school. Do not however forget that with great power comes great responsibility, you must register these finely tuned weapons with your local sheriff and also with the TSA.
Step three, find a super ugly girl that no one else wants and swear she is the best looking girl on campus. When other kids see you with this dime piece they will know that when it comes to the athletic field, you go hard. I mean lets face it, you were a standout 3 sport athlete in high school who got all the girls, in college you can't be such a playa you need to focus on school as well.
Step four, now don't get confused, it isn't about winning. When it comes right down to it, it is more important that people think you are a superb athlete than winning games. The other squad might beat you but they don't have your sweet name, deadly hands, or righteous dime piece. So then the question really becomes are they better athletes? To which all hardcore athletes know the answer: obviously not.
Step five, this is the most important step. You must at all cost follow the 48 hour rule, however, to be the absolute best you need to remain sober and abstinent for the duration of your season. Look at the players on your high level squad. They don't drink or fornicate at all during season, and further more the kids who do get lucky in the games, however we have already established games don't mean anything you are a college athlete.
Step one, you need an awesome name so people will know who you are because let's face you are a big deal. Names can be chosen based on many different attributes. However, the more bad ass the name the better athlete you will be, this does have limits however. the name must at all times be reasonable, a totally fake name will leave you in the basement of the NEAC for life.
Step two, your hands need to be lethal weapons, every good athlete has his two best weapons at the end of his arms. One of the best but definitely hardest way to do this is to go to an MMA summer camp, and then swear you are the toughest kid at school. Do not however forget that with great power comes great responsibility, you must register these finely tuned weapons with your local sheriff and also with the TSA.
Step three, find a super ugly girl that no one else wants and swear she is the best looking girl on campus. When other kids see you with this dime piece they will know that when it comes to the athletic field, you go hard. I mean lets face it, you were a standout 3 sport athlete in high school who got all the girls, in college you can't be such a playa you need to focus on school as well.
Step four, now don't get confused, it isn't about winning. When it comes right down to it, it is more important that people think you are a superb athlete than winning games. The other squad might beat you but they don't have your sweet name, deadly hands, or righteous dime piece. So then the question really becomes are they better athletes? To which all hardcore athletes know the answer: obviously not.
Step five, this is the most important step. You must at all cost follow the 48 hour rule, however, to be the absolute best you need to remain sober and abstinent for the duration of your season. Look at the players on your high level squad. They don't drink or fornicate at all during season, and further more the kids who do get lucky in the games, however we have already established games don't mean anything you are a college athlete.
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