How you know you go to real college

Now, most everyone who attends a four year institution after high school thinks that they attend a real college. However, this is possibly the most made mistake among college aged kids. Certain institutions posses attributes which qualify those schools as real colleges other schools, not so much.
Attribute One:  When you school has less students than your high school or even close to the same amount of students, you do not go to real college. You go to summer camp.
Attribute Two: When the weekend is limited to solely Saturdays after 8 pm because drinking more than one night in a week is frowned upon by the majority of the student population. Lets face it Thursdays are not thirsty Thursdays, they are solely reserved to finish your homework that is due two weeks from now. Fridays, are not for going out. Fridays are for going to bed and getting a good nights sleep, because tomorrow is Saturday and you have to go to that raging party that will inevitably get cancelled because one kid went home and now there is absolutely nowhere to go. This is not real college.
Attribute Three: When you are chillin with your boys and can only think of two hot girls, but fight with each other because you know there has to be at least three. Then after much deliberation you come to a consensus that yes there is a third but filling out a top ten is going to be impossible. This is not real college.
Attribute Four: When the starters on your sports team are there because they have been they for four years, aka "did their time", and their parents make a few well placed calls to the athletic director who consequently  tells the coaches who plays and who doesn't, based on how much their parents "help" the program. Also along with this, when the only normal kids at your school are the athletes, who aren't entirely normal themselves, it is not a real college.
Attribute Five: When the best weekends at school revolve around traditions that have far lost their acceptance in society, such as a drag show where the costumes are nauseating at best, dance off between some of the most uncoordinated kids on campus, and the punishment for breaking a student made rule is to sing a song of the seniors choice. You do not attend a real college you go to the worst day care in America.